I send a message on Messenger to my 14-year-old son, who’s in the next room, letting him know that it’s time to go. He replies, “k.” Sound familiar? Parents often lament that gaming and social media are ruining their teenagers. Articles from social commentators and researchers abound about the ills of social media. What is the cause of this outrage? Is social media really the enemy? What about all the good that can come from it?

As a father to two teenage boys, aged 14 and 13, we are surrounded by families with teenagers of a similar age. I have almost 20 years of experience mentoring teenagers and coaching parents of teenagers. But I now have to practice what I preach. It’s trickier than I thought!

Growing up as a teenager in the ’90s, I remember a time before the Internet was invented. I kept myself busy after school by riding my bike around the neighbourhood, playing football at the local park and hanging out at the mall. All of these activities still exist, but the cyber world has exponentially increased the options for teenagers to keep themselves occupied. Is social media not just the new playground for our rangatahi? As the Metaverse gains traction, I shudder to consider what the world will look like over the next decade.

Gen-Z (born 1995–2009) and Gen-Alpha are the teenagers of the world today. 2.1 billion (26.6%) people in the world are Gen-Z. They’re the first generation of “digital natives.” The Internet grew exponentially from the mid-1990s, and the first generation of the iPhone was released in 2007. Our teenagers do not know a world before smartphones and the Internet. Commerce and education are increasingly adopting social media platforms to advance various causes and products.

The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory released a report this year called Social Media and Youth Mental Health. The report notes, “… up to 95% of youth ages 13–17 report using a social media platform, with more than a third saying they use social media ‘almost constantly’.” Dr Samantha Marsh (researcher at the University of Auckland Faculty of Medical and Health Sciences) refers to this report, adding, “We have now reached the point where it is irresponsible of us as parents, teachers, health professionals, and policymakers to continue to put these devices, which are designed to elicit addictive-like qualities, in our kids’ hands and then expect them to be accountable for their own wellbeing.”

Kiwi psychologist Nigel Latta responds, “The thing about technology and the Internet is that it’s not necessarily good or bad, it’s a thing—but there are both good and bad things that can come from it.” Latta coined the term “screenagers,” referring to the generation of teenagers that have been raised with a screen in their hands.

A 16-year-old told me he got his “mentoring” from Instagram influencers in response to my question about mentoring. When asked, “What’s the difference between online interactions and ‘in-real-life’ or #IRL?” 17-year-old Mary said, “Well, when I chat with people online, I can just jump in and out of conversations anytime without any expectations or small talk. Real-life interactions require too many unnecessary niceties!” A 16-year-old girl in Latta’s documentary “The Hard Stuff” tried to go without her phone for 24 hours and failed spectacularly, commenting that “my phone is literally a part of me.”
During the COVID pandemic, the entire world remained connected socially because of the Internet. I know some young adults who have completed an entire university degree online and some who are now working in the global “gig economy.”

While there are plenty of sources about the ills of social media, I want to highlight some positives. In fact, I witnessed first-hand how beneficial social media was for my 14-year-old son during the global pandemic. Elyas is a speedcuber (yes, he solves Rubik’s cubes fast), and he started connecting with his fellow speedcubers via a social media platform called Discord. As a newly minted father of a teenager, I was naturally nervous about allowing him to sign up for a social media platform.

At Making It On My Own (MIOMO, an organisation established to help young adults become independent), we have a “social media/gaming agreement” that facilitates a discussion between parents and their teens. It guides a two-way conversation between parent and teenager on expectations surrounding their consumption of online tools—including discussions around acceptable behaviour and responsibilities (financial, chores, homework). After we put in place the agreement, Elyas happily jumped into the world of Discord.